Continuation of drawing, sketching & painting on iPadPro
I dance out my sorrow. I dance out my joy. I dance out the love I feel. I dance to feel alive.
As mentioned in yesterday's post I want to move toward a more joy-filled existence. I feel this incredible joy just below the surface, ninety percent of the time, every day! So much joy, more joy than I dreamed possible - or possible for me to ever feel in this lifetime. The funny thing is my life is in complete disarray.
Mel has always taught me that before anything changes you must first feel the change. For goodness sake! I know I have been the change I have wanted to see happen and yet here I am, still here, in the same spot, literally! I work at creating this change I desire to happen in my life daily, every day, going on 27 years of designing the change I long to first, feel. I know things change over time and with consistent and constant effort. But these days I feel I am still in the trenches of life except for my relationship with Mel and creativity. In these two arenas of living I have seen and experienced exponential love and support. I am grateful for everything in this lifetime: all that challenges me, all that hurts me, and all that is not yet realized. I am grateful for the struggle that is mine. Without it I would not know me as I have become. I would not know the love and acceptance of me, therefore I would not be me, at all. (Secretly I think about being someone else but what I truly want is to be myself; my best self.)
When people ask me, "How's everything?" I respond with, "Everything could always be better!" I immediately look for the typical side-ways glance because on the outside some may look at me and think my life is charmed - far from it! I use this response because I am careful to choose my every spoken word. Words shape my experience, they impact everything about me, my health, my wealth - and everything else
If you hear what I am trying to express behind my blanket response I am reaching and striving for personal betterment with my every word and each word I choose. I am not pessimistic or negative.
Until things improve for my, if you look three floors up to the southeast in my building you will see me dancing all by myself. I've been dancing in this manner for decades. Dancing out deep emotional scars and dancing just to know I am alive. I dance to connect to my soaring spirit, sending my energy, to my sons as children and as adults - to heal the wounds I did not create.
If Creativity finds me and has its way altering my destiny ever so slightly to move away from a past that no longer defines me you might just see me dancing out these emotional dance routines somewhere out in the world. If you see me dancing you may just recognize a part of yourself in my expressions of love and deep sorrow mixed up with moments of pure joy.
Until that time, until a different time a different place that moves me beyond my limited existence I will continue to create and to dance three floors up at the end of the hall on the left - until my heart's content.