Ugly! Feeling Negative About My Creativity

This post should have gone live on the 22nd of February but I missed posting it.

I recall being so proud that I overcame my fear of just sitting at a sewing machine and using it.  I was at the Creativ Festival, here in Toronto, and there was a free demonstration for free-motion sewing.  I have kept this first attempt at a quilted piece of free-motion sewing on fabric because it is a good memory of trying something new.  Notice the unfinished sides, revealing the batting inside.  

In addition to trying free motion sewing I also overcame another fear by trimming this piece with a rotary cutter to make it somewhat even.  I work at up-cycling and re-using consumer packaging to create some fun projects I just need to put my mind to work and see what I can turn this piece of fabric into.  I have had it hanging around for so long and it has slowly morphed into this one thick long strip.  I thought of making a fabric book but I don't like the size.  I know I could make it into a false bottom (by inserting a piece of strong light-weight cardboard in-between the folded piece and sewing all sides) for a purse or bag but I don't have anything that this will fit.  I need to make this piece of meaningful fabric into something I am pleased with.  I'll definitely choose a day when I am feeling super positive and work on this UFO.  Stay tuned...

It never ceases to amaze me how easily negative thoughts enter into my mind, filter throughout my being and enter into my creative soul. So desperately negativity can paw at me, trying endlessly to stop me, stifle me, and injure my creativity; if I allow it to!

Negative thinking never leads me to a good place inside or outside of me. If I am unable to control negative thoughts on a particular day I will stay close to home. On these negative days nothing ever works out for me no matter how hard I try to turn things around. The day just is what it is and I accept this as my learning for the day. Most importantly, I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s day. One person’s day (mine) ruined is enough for me.

Along my path of self-discovery and art I can now say I am in place where I feel healed of negativity, for the most part. The joy I experience in creating art and seeing what I can produce from my mind, heart and hands has revealed to me a very different side of me I was not acquainted with before I spent time with art. That is not to say I live completely and absolutely without a negative thought affecting me. There is the exception to my positivity and negative thoughts every now and then break through my protective pink bubble of bliss. To think negative is human but to constantly protect myself from negative thinking is a way of being I practise every day of my life . I work at it harder still on days when I am not having such a great day.

Negative thinking, negative thoughts and negative patterns can keep me from reaching and learning more in art. With art and creativity as my teacher I believe I have the opportunity to work through any negative feeling I have about me or others in my life. Slowly and over time art has healed many of my very negative thoughts and emotions. Spending time alone in art gives me time to work on and through my emotions both positive and negative. Art, for me, is a solitary ride that provides time and space so I may hear the rumblings of my mind. I choose to embrace the feelings and work to rid my thinking patterns of negativity. By changing my thoughts or letting go and accepting my negative emotions (instead of fighting or resisting them) I work on releasing them through creativity and eventually toward forgiveness and health. When I reach a point of forgiveness either of myself or someone else or of a negative memory then I am the one who is free. Granted this has not come easy to me but with practise I unburden my life and my inner artist. Because I work at healing my life with creativity, spontaneity in art is my reward. Nothing holds me back once I allow myself to begin. Because I open my heart to possibility, because I forgive and let go I can heal my life and emotions, over time, with art.

I think working at healing my life is how I have learned to embrace my child-like, primitive self-expression. Because I show up and return to art as a child would to experiment and explore any and everything my senses are heightened to allow freedom and play.

The other day standing at the kitchen sink I noticed some rumblings going on in my head. When I heard what I was saying to me, precious me, almost as a ghost standing there, eavesdropping on my thoughts, I began to laugh out loud. If this were a different day, a day I was feeling more up-lifted and positive, I would not have these thoughts at all. Instead, I would be going about my day enjoying my life. It struck me as so odd that I would be using this sort of language internally in reference to how I feel about me. I laughed out loud again, and stopped thinking that way right away. I am grateful for this awareness. I hope I can continue on in this way, and catch myself, before I fall and slip and slide into the grasp of negative thought patterns. I know I can, if I continue to pay attention and live in the present moment.